Truth and Lies

• What were the messages around communication when you were a child? Were you heard when you spoke?
• Was your truth honored? Did anyone even ask your opinion? Was there anybody you could really talk to?
• Were you humiliated for saying something stupid?
• Were there lies in the family that you were told or were expected to keep? (such as lies about drinking, affairs, money, mental illness, etc)
• Were you forced to keep secrets?
• Did you have to tell lies to avoid punishment, humiliation, or in protection of others?
• Do you still tend to lie or shade the truth in self-protection?

The Game of Pretend

Most everyone plays the game of pretend some of the time. Children do it to pretend that some­thing is there. Adults do it to pretend something is not there. We pretend to be nice; we pretend we’re not afraid; we pretend we know what we’re doing; we pretend to listen.

This exercise comes from my friend and communication coach, Taber Shadbourne. It’s a great way to find out what you are really doing and why, and a great way to create intimacy in groups and rela­tionships. To flesh out all the parts you typically try to hide, simply complete the following sentence as many times as necessary and say it out loud to a friend or even better, to a group.

Noticing

Good communication begins by listening. Not just listening to another, but also by “listening” with your consciousness to what’s going on in your body. We generally call that noticing.

“I’m noticing that my belly is tightening as you are talking to me.” “I’m noticing I’m constricting my breath when I think about this.” “I’m noticing I feel lighter when you tell me you forgive me.”

“When you get angry with me I notice my heart starts pounding in my chest.”

It is important not to create stories about why your belly is tightening, but simply stick to a factual communication of “when this happens, I notice x and y.” It is also important to notice things about yourself, not the other person.

Don’t say, “I notice you are unhappy with me,” because you don’t really know for sure what’s going on in another person unless they tell you. Instead you might say, “I notice I feel uncomfortable when I don’t know what you are feeling about me, and I make up a story that you are unhappy with me.”

By stating what we are noticing within, a person can begin to relate with empathy to our experience. We can follow that noticing with a feeling, a need, or a request.

Example: “I notice my heart is pounding and that I feel scared. I have a need to be safe, and request that we take time out until we can both become less triggered.”

Withholds

Some would argue that it is safer to remain silent and be thought a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt. But that safety has a price: intimacy and presence.

When we withhold something, we are less present. We have a little racket going on in our head—something that is true that we aren’t bringing forth. In relationships, this creates distance. In groups, we have less engagement. In general, we are less alive.

If you find that you’ve grown distant in a relationship with a friend, partner, child, parent, or co-worker, then chances are you’ve built up a pile of “withholds.” Withholds are the things you don’t say. They might be little things that you don’t want to bother with, like wishing someone dressed differently; critical comments you think might upset someone, like telling them their breath is bad; or important things, like how you’ve been feeling really separate lately, or are wondering if you should stay in the relationship. A withhold can even be something positive, like neglecting to say how pleased you were about something, or how nice someone looked. The biggest withhold is love when unsaid things are in the way.

Any of the following steps can be used, alone or together to move out of withholds:

Remember, communication is an art and takes practice. Try first to discern your own truth, and second to share it. When you share it, come from your heart first, by connecting emphatically with the other person.

“This might be hard for you to hear, but. . .”

“I know you are sensitive about this issue so I want to speak carefully.”

“I’m not sure exactly what my truth is, but I would like to attempt to tell you what parts I’m aware of already and help me figure it out.”

Your truth may be conflicted, but if that is what’s true, then express the conflict:

“I want to be closer to you but I also need my space.”
“I love you but sometimes I don’t like you very much.”

Truth is not black or white but highly nuanced. In Sanskrit, the word for truth is Satya, which means, “just what is.” If we refrain from putting values and interpretations on what we say and hear, we can better speak and listen to truth.